I was walking on a road. I don’t know where I am going, yet I noticed I was with someone. The person smiled at me. I knew him yet I could not say his true name. He was a friend, yet for some reason I called him Peter. Yet when I said his new name, it had a ring of truth in it. It was weird. I think I’ll just call him Peter. He nodded.
I asked him where we’re going. He said we were going to King’s Landing. I laughed. I asked him why are we going to King’s Landing. He murmured something about someone waiting for us in there. He said someone will teach us how to play Go. I stopped walking and asked him if he was serious. He also stopped and said yes and told me that we should hurry and it is dangerous to stop. He said we should not stop, no matter what happens. He kept on moving.
I followed him while wondering what he means by that. I noticed the woods and the mountains that suddenly came into view. We walked in the shades of the woods. Then we saw two horses drinking on a pond. We also found a golden Go board beside it. I was happy. I asked Peter if I can take it with me. He nodded. He said we can buy the stones or we can sell it at King’s Landing. Peter saddled the horses and we rode them. We kept on moving through the forest.
I saw a brown hill in the middle of the road. I told Peter it was in the way and pointed at it. Peter nodded. Then, the hill suddenly… moved. It was not a brown hill that stood up. It was a Titan! I screamed. Peter was afraid. The giant came after us. It was holding a big, black Go stone, of all things. The horses cried as we ran deeper into the woods.
I tried to stay close and keep up with Peter, but the golden Go board was too heavy. Peter told me to split the golden board into two. I tried to, but it won’t break. The Titan roared behind us. Peter took the board and pushed a button at the side. The golden board easily split into two pieces. I took one and left him the other half.
Peter took something from his pockets and threw it in the air behind us. It was a white pawn, a soldier chess piece. The pawn expanded and disappeared in a veil of smoke. A Power Ranger came out of the smoke! It was the White Ranger. I heard it shout “It’s Morphin’ time” with gusto, waving his sword flute around this and that before trying to summon the Dragonzord.
But before he could summon anything, White Ranger was eaten by the Titan. White Ranger shrieked like a girl. “Kun! Kun! Kun!” the Titan roared, as it pounded him relentlessly with the big, black Go stone it was holding. The Go stone broke his head and the Titan chewed on his body like a sandwich. It then spit off whatever remained of him. The Titan still came running after us in a heartbeat, still holding the bloody Go stone.
“Hi. It’s time for your medication.” The nurse said to me with a sweet smile, delicate hands carefully holding a hypodermic needle as she approached me. I only smiled in reply despite the slight intrusion, placed the pen down and quietly let her do her work.
I tried to remember what was the first sentence I was intending to write, but my mind seems to have lost it somewhere. The idea now totally forgotten. I sighed. Hey, she was just doing her job. I bet she was just trying to cheer me up too. I felt a bit bad for being moody.
I’ve been in the hospital for three days now and still under some medication. Nothing serious, but the doctors say I have to rest. My body felt fine, yet inside I felt terrible because I wanted to write, and secretly ache to play more Go. I have this nagging feeling that what little I have learned over the past few weeks seems to be gently passing through my ears like grains of sand. I should probably fill my head with more sand. The knowledge is escaping! Ahh! 🙂
“You should rest some more. Okay?” She said to me after she was finished. She seemed to have slightly sensed my agitation, looking now at my empty notebook. I felt a bit foolish and tried to cover it with my hands, as I looked away sheepishly. I should probably bury myself with these fluffy pillows.
She only smiled and left with half a glance at the basketball match on the tv. I noticed for the first time that it was on, filling the room with noise and sound and life. It was the game of Heat against Spurs. So, that’s why the audience was cheering so much. Unfortunately, I have no love for sports, yet I have no choice but to passively listen on something while I write. Correction: Tried to write.
The door closed with a resounding click. I reached for the tv remote and lowered the volume down. Finally, some peace and quiet. Now that everything’s set alright, I, once again, once more, slowly held the pen over the paper with a smile, my mind trying to find the words that I lost, hoping to find them again, hold them in my hands, carefully set them down on the paper and… then I felt the first signs of the medicine’s effects slowly hitting me.
Drowsiness began to fill my head, just as I was beginning to remember what I was trying to write. The pillow was now more softer that I could remember and the air, nicer and cooler to the skin. Ahh. Must stay… awake. Must.. write. Must… sleep. Why am I holding a pen? Ahh. Brains.. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt for a little… nap.
“So, you want to make a Go blog…” Sue said, her eyebrows rising, wrapping her hands around a hot coffee mug. It was a cold morning and I could see the rain pouring outside. The leaves were throwing themselves helplessly at the foggy windows. Beside her, there was Calvin in his jacket, probably playing Clash of Clans on his phone, half-listening to the table. I was telling them how I just discovered the wonderful game of Go and telling them all about it.
“Well, yes. Sort of.” I said. “Actually, I already started it just last week.” I smiled at her, trying to look a little bit proud. It was the first time again in years since we last saw each other. I really miss them.
“Wait, so you are writing again? Nice. You’re not gonna make me poems again, are you?” Sue said as she covered her mouth with the mug before she softly laughed, roughly nudging Calvin with her elbow. Calvin, ever the clown, just looked up at me from his phone, calmly recomposing his face as if to deliver a monologue speech from the old theaters:
But then who am I ~?
Someone to pass by ~?
I cannot even sigh ~
So loveless, oh my . . .
True love, where are you ~? Are you really true ~? Why is there no clue ~? I think my life is through . . .
Will there be love for me ~? Just to some degree ~? Someone holds the key Please come and set me free . . .
I could slowly feel my face turning red from the embarrassment with a facepalm, as I heard them both guffawed into tears at the end. Once again, I can’t help but be amazed at Calvin’s memory skills, so I just joined in the laughter for old time’s sake. You see, it was an old poem that I especially wrote for Sue, a long, long time ago when she was loveless and heartbroken. I thought it was romantically sad but thoughtful, at that time. Just like in the movies. So, I made one for her. She digs that emo stuff.
The thing is when she got through that episode, Calvin began teasing me about it, trying to convince Sue that it was really not meant for her, and that it was really meant for me. That I wrote it for myself. For a special girl who shall not be named and… Oh, what the heck am I writing? Back to laughter.
“Remember that girl? You were writing because she was so b-” Calvin said.
“Hold it, hold it! Let’s not even go there, Calv.” Sue said, as she quickly interrupted and clipped Calvin’s ear. She then gave me a motherly nod, as if to continue on. A typical attitude of hers. I guess, some things never change.
“Yes. I’m writing again. But not for her.. I mean, I am trying to write again. But… bleargh.” I said, throwing my hands up a bit, at a loss for words. I tried to look elsewhere just to avoid their eyes. I took a glance at the windows. Hey, the rain seems to be turning into a drizzle now.
“Bleargh what? What seems to be the problem?” Sue asked, slowly dropping the smile as she softly punched Calvin to stop mumbling names and teasing.
“I don’t know… It’s just not the way it used to be. Back then I would just sit on my chair, place my hands on the keyboard, and then the ideas would just flow right though me. I can’t explain it. It was like magic. I was always happy when I write. You know me Sue, you know it for yourself. Back then, I never even believed in the writer’s block…” I said helplessly.
“…Until now.” Sue continued it for me. She always has that way of finishing my sentences.
Hesitantly, I nodded. It was a hard thing to admit. Once, I was full and brimming with ideas to write, but now my mind is as empty as oblivion. How did I even turn into this? What happened?
“Well, what would you expect? Of course, that’s a given. You stopped writing for who knows how so many years.” Calvin said with a casual glance on his phone. He grumbled about his base being attacked.
“Five. Heh.” I said with an uneasy smile. “But you know me. I never give up. It’s really not that grim. I mean I already made the first step. I made the blog, got a good reception. Lucky, I guess. There were some very nice people in there too, by the way. There is this guy, Bengozen, and he has this awesome blog. He also cheers me up along with the others. Do you know that there were only a few Go bloggers in the world? It’s a small community, somewhat. But honestly guys, I don’t even know what to write next…”
I see Sue beginning to smile, as I blurted it all out. Calvin seemed to be trying to find something on his phone, as he listened. I stopped talking when Sue opened her mouth to speak.
“You know what? You were so good at writing once, and just because you stopped doing it, doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. I am sure you could find it again in you to write.” Sue said with a smile, calmly reassuring me.
“You mean I just have to start all over, huh.” I said, pointing out the obvious.
“Hey, you’re just beginning to play Go? Right?” Calvin suddenly asked me.
“Well, yes. Like I said, I just started, I really don’t know much abo-” I replied.
“And you said, white moves first and-”
“No, you got it wrong. This is not chess. In Go, black moves first.” I said, correcting him politely.
“Okay, so black moves first, whatever. If you’re black, where would you put the stones?” Calvin asked, not minding the correction. It seems that he is up to something. So I just replied with a guarded tone, thinking first before I replied.
“If I am black, and it is my turn to move, of course I will place it where I think I should place it. I’ll place my first stone in… a corner, maybe?” I replied, not feeling sure of my answer.
“So you made your move. Now, White also makes the second move. What’s your next move?” Calvin asked. Despite claiming not to know Go, he seems to be trying to tell me something.
“Okay… Well, that would depend on where White placed his first stone… But at any rate, I guess I’ll just… probably mind my own business and continue placing stones near my first stone. Make a wall or something..” I replied, as I glanced at Sue, wondering what this was all about.
“See? Imagine the Go board as your blog. You said it’s empty at the start, right?” Calvin said, smiling a wolfish grin.
A curious smile began to creep up my face as I replied, “Well, yes. You are correct. Just as empty as my blog right now… thank you very much.” I feel my voice dripping with sarcasm.
“… Then you begin by placing stones on the board. Placing them where you think they should be.” Calvin said, now trying to sound like he was telling a story.
“And by that, he probably means making posts. Good posts with good content.” Sue said, trying to throw pitch something in.
I took a moment and tried to let that sink in before I opened my mouth. It seems that they have a good point. But another question began to grow in my mind.
“Wait, this is all good… But how would I know if I am making ‘wrong’ posts? I mean placing stones at the wrong places?” I asked.
“Stop thinking about that for now. If you don’t try, you can’t succeed at anything. Just go ahead and do it.” Calvin said, scratching his nose irritably at my stubbornness.
“Maybe you should just place the stones. Because as you go along, you will be making it right. Knowing you, we know you won’t give up until you make it right. You’ll be giving meaning into it. Your own meaning. It’s your blog after all.” Sue said in a soft voice as she sipped her coffee, staring at me from the brim of her mug.
I silently nodded in agreement, feeling stunned by the sincerity of their words. I felt blessed that I had such wonderful friends and made me miss them more, even though we just met again. I offered a wordless thank you to both of them and my mood brightened up. We kept talking about other things after that. As we moved on to other topics and kept up to date with what’s everybody busy with, I keep on coming back to what they said. There really was no obstacle at all. The obstacle only existed in my mind. Imaginary and self-imposed. I felt free again knowing there was nothing that really holds me back, except for myself. I doubted my abilities, which is only natural, but I did let it stop me. And paralyzed by doubts and fears, I only fell to a trap that I, myself created. If I wanted to get out of that trap, I should just do something about it. Anything. Practice writing again, for one thing.
I remember back when I was making poems when I was little. This is just how it is… Back then, I was just writing stories and poems as I go, playing with words with never a care for any form or title that defines it. The title just pops up when I was almost halfway through. And the word and rhymes just keep on flowing. Because I believed in myself. Why should making a blog be any different, then? I felt a little surge of hope in my chest. It was a warm, familiar feeling. Maybe… just maybe, I could rekindle my old passion for writing with my new love for Go. Yes. Yes, I really hope so…
And as I finish this post, I leave you with a video link that Sue sent to my Facebook. The message was so strong that I feel I should also share this with all newbie bloggers/go players like me. We can do this!
“If you win, you live. If you lose, you die. If you don’t fight, you cannot win!” Eren Yaeger (Shingeki no Kyojin)
I love roleplay writing, making poems, and now baduk, go. I am recently infatuated with playing Go and I want to come back to writing and so I guess that’s a good reason as any. But hey! I also want to be strong at Go. Trying to find time, all the time!
These are the words of the great Chinese philosopher Laozi. And though it is not the more popular translation, I still feel that these are the best words that capture the true meaning of what he said. Rather than emphasizing about the first step, the alternative belief was that Laozi regarded action as something that comes up naturally from stillness.
With this in mind, even all the great dans started as beginners. And as beginners, they started from square one and knowing their way around the basics of Go. Yet something happened back then that made them want to be the best players in the world of Go. Whether it be seeing an inspiring clip of the anime Hikaru no Go from Youtube, or a friend’s invitation to watch an exciting Baduk tournament, or even coming across a popular android game of Go while browsing Googleplay.
Whatever the reasons, that initial curiosity about the game turns into desire. And from the how and the why of it comes the earnest desire to play Go, the way it was meant to be played. And for the ambitious some: The desire to achieve the divine move.
And so, as I welcome you to my blog, I leave you with these words that came into mind, which I feel I must write and share to you all:
“From stillness, one must first desire change. And to step forward, one must desire action.”
Today I desire change. I will learn Go! And to begin that change, I will play Go!
Photo from Wikipedia
The Game of Stones 
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